if there were only girls everywhere everything would be so easy and pleasant. I could walk my dog at 3am and probably get a juice cos juice bars would be open cos all girls would take their dogs on night walks it would be like a normal thing
Sometimes I listen to songs which are supposed to bring comfort to people who are hurting or solace to the broken down teens of the world. They tend to bring me down more often than not. It makes me think of that miserable pit I’ve been working to get over since graduating from a rather eh college experience and personal issues that kept escalating since I became eighteen. The more time passed, the more I missed how simple high school was, even for a side story misfit like me.
I remember that feeling of hurt from that period of time, but it was mostly when I was surrounded by lots of people my age and younger thinking out loud to the Internet “I’m not of worth”, “I am a loser”, or “just look at how much my life sucks and has forever sucked”. This was about a year after I first joined Facebook, and it seemed to begin it’s reign on the news and all the popular TV shows at the same time. Anyhow, the Facebook started with messaging your buds from high school after hours with cute stickers and games where you send flowers to each other privately (back when texting was at a premium), and then quickly developed into a popularity contest complete with information overload and an obligation to post Happy Birthday as your singular annual interaction with a person. In the meantime, you scroll through hundreds of pics of people on vacation, peers whose parents pay for new cars and apartments, everyone’s academic endeavors, everyone’s dying family members, people you used to know becoming destructive or otherwise unfamiliar day to day. So many contradictions and so many images of people’s lives are confusing and ultimately depressing when you figure yourself into the multitude of people projecting everything all the time in real time. On tumblr in particular, I mostly see users projecting all existential thoughts and ultimately throwing pity parties instead of coping by seeking out another way of trying to deal with feelings. Don’t get me wrong - people havin shitty lives and feelings is real. But they all come together without significant meditation and all feel miserable together if they’re not careful. There are funny things and cool things to look at, but it’s hard to escape the peppering of woe, akin to inserting a few subtle images of advertising into a film to get you to buy something. Once you recognize it, you start to think about it. You start to crave something.
You start thinking: yeah, my life is shit too. You start comparing: why am I not fit, why am I not okay with the way I spend my time, why am I not okay thinking this one sentimental trend is the answer to my problems right now. There’s just so much information being thrown into your mind that you don’t know up from down anymore. You look for a community of people who kind of like the things that you do, but they also happen to be going through personal things and it all becomes too much for an empathetic person to handle. In my case, I forgot how to have a personal opinion so that I could avoid having the entire internet up my ass. On the other hand, I would use tumblr to bitch about people I really hated in an anonymous context. Super passive aggressive! I started wanting to give up being… whatever I was, time and again.
But then I limited my time looking at other people’s accomplishments and woes by deactivating Facebook and deleting the tumblr app, and life looks so much brighter when you feel like you can manage the weight of fewer lives on your shoulders at all times. It’s the equivalent of dumping a toxic person or place or grudge from your life and starting fresh. There’s still some exposure, but not the hammering you used to deal with daily.
Anyway, the Internet remains a huge place full of cool things to entertain and inform me. But, I can live without the toxic superiority/inferiority culture Facebook and tumblr and other social media breeds. All info and opinions of all people in your past and present, personal or passive relationships all the time is legitimately exhausting.
This reminds me: Remember that depressing music I was talking about? I like to listen to it mixed into my radio once in a while, because it isn’t bad music in itself, but I consciously know I have to limit this exposure before I start wallowing again. I don’t know if conscious self regulation will catch on in the communities online with much consequence anytime soon, so for now I leave you with a suggestion: Out of sight, out of mind. Turn it off, log out. Start listening to birds outside and the chatter of people in coffee shops rather than your ipod. Hell, it worked for me.